Navigating conflict together
TYPE: GUIDED EXERCISE
Conflict can be both beneficial and challenging. Without a resolution process, it can reveal a lack of respect or cause tension that is hard to move forward from. As outlined in the research, disagreements, when managed well, can be helpful to open up co-leads to listening, growth and new ways of thinking. This is a concept put forward by Malika Dutt of generative conflict. This exercise encourages you to reflect on your own ego through practising self-awareness. It then provides practical prompts to guide you and your co-lead(s) to develop a conflict resolution plan.
Generative Conflict*
The concept of generative conflict involves first reflecting on whether you are dealing with a conflict (to be resolved) or a tension (to be managed). Practising generative conflict involves three steps: 1. self-awareness, 2. reflection on power and 3. Deep listening and understanding of the others’ position. The below activity takes inspiration from this practice to ground conflict resolution in a commitment to growth and care.
*Ibid
Starting with self
In a moment of tension or conflict, take a breath. Step away if needed. Take a moment to observe yourself:
How are you feeling?
If something has made you uncomfortable, anxious or angry, sit with those feelings. Acknowledge them, label them. Don’t try to explain it yet, just recognise that something is coming up for you.
Don’t react straight away.
Remember your values and the care with which you hold this relationship. How can you approach this with love? If you were to look back on this interaction, what behavior would you like to see?
If you have trusted contacts or a coach, might it be helpful to seek advice or support?
As you think of ways to respond, consider how you might feel being on the receiving end of each. Is there anything you could do differently?
Think back to the ‘Emerging’ activities.
What do you know about yourself from previous reflections that might be helpful to consider here? What did you learn about your co-lead that you should take into account?
Our shared approach
It can be helpful to develop a simple conflict resolution process so that when there is tension, you are both clear on how to navigate it together. Generally a conflict resolution process will involve the following steps:
Reflect back on the ‘Emerging’ activities.
Take time alone to self-reflect first. Ground yourself in how you are reacting to the conflict (fight/flight/freeze).
Remind yourself of what your co-lead has shared with you on how they typically react to conflict to reflect on their behaviour as well.
Identify the source of disagreement.
How did the tension begin? Was there a specific moment or a series of things that built up? Who was involved?
Explore possible solutions and agree on a shared goal.
Discuss ways to meet the goal including each person’s responsibilities.
Check in with each other after some time has passed. Be mindful of feelings of discomfort, pain, anger, fear.
Agree these steps together, including more informal ways to communicate pain or stress with each other or to request some personal time, like an emoji. Write them up and revisit the process together during times of conflict.
Within our organisation
You might consider repeating this process with your whole organisation so that it feels held and owned by all staff and so that you start to share the same language and culture or practices on how to deal with conflict. They might come up with a different process than what you and your co-lead use with each other, which is OK. When you develop your accountability framework, consider whether managing this process and revisiting it to make sure it is working, sits with one person or is a shared accountability.
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